well i havent been on this one in forever bu i dont think i am going to use it often anyways cause i will use greatetjournal again. well brad has been cheating one me for about a month and well i was upset until i met brian and well he lives in IL. so it sucks. but i am still with brad until he gets back from new mexico and no one is happy with him.
besides the whole brad thing i havent been so great. i dont know whats wrong with me and i think i might need professonal help cause it comes and go. the feelings i feel and the sorrows i feel i dont know. ive gotten really down and then 3 hours later i would be kidna happy but then i go right back into that mood. well later.
Well my weekend was so fucking awesome. My mom let me do so much stuff it was a surprised.
Friday- I had a one on one convo with roman for about and hour in the car. And then we went shopping and we hung out for a few hours. We went to the new skater store in Johnson creek. Then we ate at culvers, which was so yummy cause I got so many damn onion rings. Cause I love onion rings. I had fun hanging out with roman though I miss the times. We hung out til about 8. Then I had watched movies with my mom cause she said she wanted to spend some time with me. I was so amused cause she has never said that to me in my whole life. She was actually nice for once. Then I feel asleep on the couch the watching some movie.
Saturday- I have cleaned and watched even more movies in the morning and at 12 is when I got my hair done for prom. Then brad called me and he said he was going to come over and my mom said it was fine. He had brought me 12 dozen pink and red roses. It was the first time I have ever gotten flowers from a guy. It was so sweet of him. My mom likes him a lot. Then I grabbed my cloths and stuff so I can change later. I went to Wal-Mart with him to go see his mom and she’s all looking at me and saying how pretty I am. She thought that my white skirt and pink shirt was my prom dress, which was funny. Then we went to see his grandma and she like well she’s a keeper now isn’t she. It was so adorable the grandma loves me also. Then we went back to his house about 3 everyone was there. I felt out of place cause everyone is the total opposite of me and I mean like none of them were anything like me. I guess I need to fit in more some how well I was like quite the whole time. But then I started to beat up john and I kept on breaking the puzzle he was working on. Then there were only four of us left so we watched saw 2.
Then I got ready then we were at the dance. I had so much fun it was great. I hung out with Kyle and Sara and brad pretty much the whole time. I was having fun that’s all that mattered. Then we went back to his house instead of post prom. We watched wedding crashers but we both fell asleep and good thing that someone called up at 3 cause then we wouldn’t have woken up and I wouldn’t gotten home on time. But it was fun.
Sunday- I didn’t wake up until 12:30 and then I cleaned again and I was invited to go to the cook out at Sara’s and my mom said I can go so I did go and her parents love me so that’s awesome. They said I am a perfect little angel compared to most people. Ha ha ha ha. Well I had fun Zack and jenny and even Ryan were also there. We played volleyball and then some hack and we ate some yummy food. I ended up with the nick name emhore. Which is emo whore. It was quite funny. Then we went and bothered brad at work witch was kewl. Well that was my fun weekend and I cant complain about anything cause u had fun.
Today I am just plain I guess I can say. I have nothing to complain about, besides I am really tired. I went to the orchestra sympathy, orchestra, and concert band last night. The only reason why I went cause brad asked me to cause other wise I wouldn’t of gone cause it was so long and boring. But they did play the phantom of the opera song and I love phantom of the opera. So I guess I enjoyed it a little. I also got to see Cody and Cam R. I love them guys so much. I missed them. But I was so happy I got to see them last night. Well I have also just discovered how nice brad is to me, I kind of want him to be more aggressive and demanding cause it make me feel good a lot of the time. Well I don’t care I like him how he is so he can stay the way he wants to cause I think he can make me happy.
Well prom is this weekend and well I am going to Milwaukee tomorrow and then I am going and then sat I am coming back to town to stay at my step sisters moms house so I can go with out my parents knowing. Then I am going back to Milwaukee Sunday morning so it’s going to be so fucking busy. So yea. Well I think I will have fun. Well other wise I think that’s all I can talk about for now so I guess I will talk to you later people.
sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it's late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost--
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to
it's so easy-- it's so easy to
second guess everything you do
until all you want is all you want is to
to finish this half empty glass
before the ice melts away
this feeling always used to pass
but seems like it's every day
it feels like it's every night now
i like this song:
it is not the past few days that have made me feel this way
Well so far today has been the most horrible day in the world for me.
My alarm didn’t go off so I didn’t have time to get ready for school so I just went and put on any t-shirt I can find and then I some pants that I wish I wasn’t wearing right now.
I had gone into the girl’s bathroom this morning when I got to school so I can get ready. I brought my mp3 player with me and then I forgot about it and the only person that was in there besides me was a teacher and I don’t know what one. I am freaking out cause that’s my life right there. The only thing that can keep me calm and through the day has been missing since 7:30 this morning. I just want to fucking shoot myself right now. I had it for a year and then I lose it aint I something fucking special. Then I find out yesterday some stuff that I wish I didn’t hear cause people wont leave me alone about brad. I like him a lot and I am happy. I wouldn’t say love cause I don’t think I can actually fall in love. Well I noticed this weekend that I am not completely over him. I don’t know why I am not cause I think I should be. Then I also found out that 2 of my other friends are in love with me supposely and I don’t know how to react to this. So this is a total of 4 people, including brad. I just don’t understand how can anyone be in love with me. There is nothing so fucking special about me. I am a fuck up, I am someone who cant be bored in a relationship cause other wise I am just going to let it all go. I want new things in my life that I cant have. I am fucked up in the head. I wish I would die. So what’s so loving about that. Yea I am aggressive a lot and then I am also fun in many ways. I can make people happy and forget their problems. I try my hardest and then I also make sure all my friends are good. I give people a lot of advice but I can’t take my own cause it am stupid even though I should. I need help in many ways then you would think I need but I am not a liar about this. I hate a lot of things and many things annoy me. I cant help it I am just me. I try to be different that’s all, and I don’t ask for anyone to like more then a friend. And when they do like me more I guess I slowly try to get away. Gowd I hat this. Well I have to go before I get caught.
*my head beams with so much distractions*
i still dont know how i feel. i am so mixed up in my head............grrr
Hey everyone, Well my spring break was great when we were in Washington Dc. I had lots of fun and then me and the whole back of the bus has become closer friends. I got to know this guy name Brad Dantuma and he started to like me and then I was like okay well its only going to be a spring fling cause how can he like me I am so fucking different. Well then I got to know him even more but then I was always confusing the hell out of him because like for 10 minutes I will act like I like him and then I will back away but that’s cause I was so confused on what I was going to do. Yea I like roman but it like brad and I want to try something different and shit. He’s the totally the opposite of me. For instance he like country and then he is more into the older rock which I am okay with cause I listen to them with my step dad. So I am fine with that. Ahhhh but then I have roman really upset with me and I never wanted that cause he is my best friends and I love him to death. But maybe that is my problem I go out with so many guys that are in the same music and then something bad happens and shit so I am willing to take a chance with some one different then me. I told brad all my flaws and he said he don’t care about them, he cares about me. Maybe I can be happy with him I don’t know. Then yesterday my dad has called and well that was for once. I feel bad cause I lied to him. Because he’s all like do u really hate me that much that u have to say lies and try to get me off the phone with you. Well I said I didn’t hate him. I really do. He’s a fuck up and I hate him to death, just like I hate my mom to death. He said I have to visit him and call him soon and more often if I want a b-day present. Right then and there I just wanted to say why would it matter it wont fucking make up for all the other times u had missed my fucking b-day. And that he was never there for me and then he is an alcoholic druggie. That’s what I wanted to say cause I just cant stop thinking all the shit I have been through that when I did call him he was never there for me and then he would be high and drunk. Then what else that happen yesterday we were talking about how we Leah needed to get checked by the downstairs doctor (that’s what I called it) and then I was brought up some how and then my step dad said yea I remember when patience had to go she was with that Jessie guy and they had sex. Well me and Jessie never fucking had sex I am not fucking like that. So I argued with them and then there like yea you did have sex cause it came back and said that it happened that you were no longer a virgin and then I said I don’t believe in sex until marriage and that’s what I truly believe in and then my mom said you even told me what happen and she’s like all on Quinn side. And then Leah’s is like she didn’t want it and it wasn’t her fault and leave her alone cause I was upset and I was crying and I went to my room. I guess my mom never told my step dad anything when I was in 7th grade. Well I was raped in the summer going to 7th grade and I was in TX that’s why I never fricken talk about it. And it was lee Roys brother who did it. Go I hate my fucked up life. Well I am out cause I am fucking mad again and I am done so later
Today is the fucking band trip and I am so fucking excited. Zack and me are also kewl now. Well I am still upset about it but he wont talk about it to me so there is like wow.
Josh got kicked off the band trip, which is so fucking gay.
He didn’t go to his detention, for wearing his hat after school and so they said he cant go now cause of it.
Man people are so fucking gay.
Well today is the day and I just can’t wait man I can’t wait.
I went to Benna and I guess it was fun cause yea it was weird that’s all I can say. Well peace.
Today is Zacks birthday and I went up to him this morning to give him his card I have made him.
Well what a mistake.
He wouldn’t even look at it and said “why the fuck cant you people just fucking listen to me when I say I don’t want anything.” And he still wouldn’t take it and it just upsets me cause he is my friend and I wanted to show him that I cared for him like he shows he cares for me. I don’t understand him. Why does he have to be to himself and not share how he feels?
I know for a fact that he holds everything in and he don’t want to talk to anyone about.
So I cried pretty much all day.
Well 2 more days until I am gone and I wont be here.
But I kind of don’t want to go anymore cause I got my buddy Zach mad at me.
He will be there with me.
Well I marked him in the face with a permanent marker cause he got me with a pen.
Grrrr I always mess things up.
Daniel I hope you know u are hawt. LOL.
I have figured the pass two days that I have been listening to a lot of emo music.
Well that’s me, that’s life. Right?
Kelly thank you for being there and I will try to call u tonight but I cant promise okay.
Cause Leah doesn’t know how to share the phone like she said she would.
I am also not sure any more what I want.
I don’t know if I am ready to have a boyfriend or I don’t know.
I like to ppl. One I really only know a little bout and he lives in Indiana and then there is a guy here at school I’ve known for a year and a half that likes me and liked me once before.
But I don’t know. I am just out of it.
Like I think of what I want in life. Is it going to be a good day? Will I ever fall in love? Will someone ever love me as much as I would love them? Will I ever find true love? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? Will I die before I get married? Would I make it pass thirty? Will I ever have kids? Will I end up like my alcoholic/druggy father? What will I ever become? Will I make it to college? Will I love my work that I will do when I get older? Will I make it through today? Will I make it through the depression I have gone through? Am I depressed? What kind of person am I? Am I loving? Am I nice? Am I caring enough? I just don’t know anything.
Things so fucked up………